Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard about the mental health crisis. In fact, the former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued several advisories:

• We are in the midst of a teen mental health crisis (which honestly started prior to the pandemic but was exacerbated by lockdowns and social media, among other factors).
• We are in a loneliness epidemic.
• The parents are not alright.

As a mental health professional, I applaud the increased attention to mental health.

Mental health and physical health are equally important and deeply interconnected.

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So yes, more people are paying attention to their mental health and hopefully accessing services and support. That’s the upside.

But there’s a downside to this increased focus on mental health.

Misinterpreting Normal Emotional Reactions 

It’s easy to view normal emotions and struggles as pathological. We might talk about being “depressed,”

but are we truly experiencing a consistent shift in our mood, energy, and motivation that interferes with our day-to-day life, or are we feeling sad, disappointed, or exhausted due to losing a job, friendships in flux, or being overly busy?

(FWIW: I’ve decided it’s not a time management problem—it’s often having too much to do in the allotted time).

Are we lonely because we’ve started a new school, moved, or experienced changes in friendship dynamics? Newsflash: it takes time and real-life activities to form meaningful relationships.

Those feelings are normal responses to life. They signal a need for change and/or self-compassion.

Maybe that means discovering new hobbies while developing new friendships, finding new opportunities to network, or maybe having a good cry while watching a tear-jerker movie. 

Bottom Line: 

• It truly is OK to not be OK. Be patient as you navigate the challenges of everyday life. 
• Allow yourself to experience your feelings without necessarily labeling them as a mental health disorder. 
• Try a bulleted brain dump of thoughts, feelings, and to-do’s to get them out of your head and gain more perspective. 
• Focus on actions in your control that can improve your situation, like reaching out more and being more socially available if you’re feeling lonely, or stop scrolling social media comparing your life to everyone else’s curated illusion of perfection.

Trying to “Fix” Our Feelings

One of the biggest skills Gen Z may lack is distress tolerance, which is essential to moving through the life challenges.

Negative feelings create discomfort (otherwise, we wouldn’t pay attention to them).

In the face of discomfort, our natural instinct is to avoid or get rid of it, which ironically actually prolongs the emotion and keeps us stuck.

We end up overthinking and ruminating in our own head and with others. We focus too much on emotions and not enough on actions. 

Emotions serve a purpose. They provide important information, often signaling us to action. They don’t need to be fixed or eliminated. 

Bottom Line: 

• Acknowledge emotions by naming them and considering context. 
• Pause and ask yourself: 
• Is this feeling and its intensity an accurate reflection of my situation? 

If not, breathe and visualize letting it go. 

If it is, breathe and let your body calm so you can access the support you need.

• Consider actions that meet your needs and align with your values.

“Trauma Bonding” 

Today’s teens and tweens are much more aware of their emotions than generations past.

Yet, they often struggle to know what to do with these emotions. Mental health issues may become part of their identity.

They might try to “one-up” each other about their struggles or commiserate to unhealthy lengths, keeping them stuck in emotional loops rather than moving through them.

Teens and tweens can feel responsible for each other’s emotions. They depend on each other to get them through their feelings at any time of day.

It’s not normal to have that level of dependency in a friendship. Teens and tweens are NOT equipped to handle this level of responsibility.

Overtalking, oversharing, and lamenting the awfulness of their situations does not necessarily provide the support needed to gain perspective and move beyond their emotions.

Bottom Line: 

• Talk with your teen about healthy boundaries in friendships. Being a good friend doesn’t mean being available 24/7 or taking responsibility for someone else’s emotions. 
• Role-play phrases they can use when they feel overwhelmed by a friend’s emotional needs, such as
  “I care about you, and you’re going through a really hard time. This feels like a lot. I’m no expert and not sure I can help you enough. It might be time to talk to (insert the name of a trusted adult).”  They can also offer to go with them to talk to that trusted adult. Remind your kids they can also talk to you, a school counselor, or another trusted adult about the friend who is struggling. 
• Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is simply be a friend. Spend time hanging out together, enjoying each other’s company rather than trying to be a therapist.

Parents Under Pressure

There’s a lot of gloom and doom out there for parents today. Suicide was never a major concern for my parents, but now it’s a common parental fear.

From books like “The Anxious Generation” to Netflix documentaries like “Adolescence” on teen mental health, parents are bombarded with alarming statistics and worst-case scenarios.

We are also far beyond Dr. Spock being the primary source of information about raising kids.

The amount of parenting advice is staggering, on par with the plethora of information about weight loss and health hacks.

No wonder parents are so anxious to “get it right.”

Bottom Line: 

• Awareness not anxiety. Focus on building relationships, keeping lines of communication open, setting limits, and talking about the potential for pitfalls. 
• Put struggles into context rather than catastrophizing individual difficulties. 
• Sometimes parents have to tolerate everything not being OK with their kids. Children have to move through their struggles at their own pace, with parents as an anchor of support. It is NOT easy, as I know well from personal and professional experience.

Parental Overprotection

Life is full of struggle. There is no escaping it for yourself or your child. Struggle is the necessary component for growth or, at minimum, a catalyst for change.

Parents genuinely want what’s best for their kids.

In an effort to give them a “good life,” set them up for success, and be happy, they may overprotect and smooth their way.

On the other hand, parents may be highly attuned to “problem” behaviors, ending up being overly critical and negative, trying to help their children learn or avoid negative consequences of those behaviors.

Both overprotection (e.g., snowplowing, helicoptering, etc.) and overcorrection inadvertently undermine their confidence and independence.

Self-esteem and confidence are built through trying new things and handling negative experiences.

The job of parents is to guide our children through struggles and provide the stability that helps them weather life’s storms.

Bottom Line: 

• When your child faces difficulty, resist the urge to immediately fix it or dismiss it. 
• Acknowledge their feelings and let them experience those emotions. Let them know you’re available to support them and/or help them figure out options. Set limits when needed.
• Notice and pay attention to the behaviors you want to grow. 
• “Cope Out Loud” by naming your own emotions, how you process them, and move to action when appropriate.

The Self-Improvement Trap

The bottom floors of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs are physiological (food, water, warmth), followed by safety and security.

The next levels are belonging and love, with the final one being self-actualization.

Growing up secure in the basics allows us to become more self-focused.

Trying to figure out how to be your “best self” and make the “best choices” can be very anxiety-provoking, especially in the face of a never-ending stream of information telling us how to optimize everything.

Maybe we weren’t made to be optimized? Perhaps we’re better off prioritizing meaningful relationships, belonging, and community.

When we’re too preoccupied with self-improvement, we lose sight of the importance of community and others.

Happiness often emerges naturally in the context of community, meaningful relationships, and purpose, not through relentless self-improvement.

Bottom Line: 

• This week, shift your focus from self-improvement to connection. Reach out to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, join a community group around a shared interest, or volunteer for a cause you care about. 
• Be kind. Be helpful. Truly listen.  
• Be OK with simply being “OK” and not amazing.

When Should You Actually Be Concerned?

Although an intense focus on mental health can have downsides, the upside is increased awareness and more people accessing help.

So, when is it the right time to seek professional help? In graduate school, we were taught that emotions become problematic when they meet these four criteria:

Frequency: They happen too often.

Intensity: They’re more intense than expected.

Duration: They last too long in the moment or over time.

Impairment: They get in the way of day-to-day life in multiple settings or cause significant internal distress.

Context also matters when addressing mental health. Sometimes, a mismatched or poor environment creates or exacerbates mental health issues.

In those cases, it’s about supporting the individual and improving their environment.

Bottom Line: 

If you or someone you care about is experiencing persistent changes in mood, behavior, or functioning that meet the criteria above, reach out for professional support. 

• Start with a consultation with a primary care provider or licensed mental health professional who can help assess the situation. Remember that getting help early often leads to better outcomes—you don’t need to wait for a crisis to seek support.

• If you are in crisis, contact 988, the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or your local community health center. 
• Additional crisis resources here
• If you need someone to listen without judgment, consider a “Warm Line” – they’re there to provide supportive conversation.

Finding Balance: The Path Forward

The mental health conversation doesn’t need to swing from denial to obsession.

We can acknowledge struggles without catastrophizing them, provide support without overprotecting, and prioritize emotional well-being without pathologizing normal human experiences.

Perhaps what we need most isn’t more awareness of mental health problems, but greater understanding of mental health as a spectrum that includes both struggles and strengths.

And sometimes, that means acknowledging that feeling bad occasionally is actually perfectly fine.